4th Anniversary! A Marriage Rant

This month was TJ's and my fourth wedding anniversary.  The years are slipping away one golden moment at a time, and the best time of my life just keeps on getting better.  Last week I remarked to a group of acquaintances that being married is so much fun--like having a sleepover with my best friend every single night.  One of them (married) commented, "Dude, what have you been smoking?!"  I am not going to give hints as to the time or place of this comment because I want to be able to express how much I detest such remarks.  I've talked about this before, but I want to say it again.

Marriage isn't always hard.  It isn't always painful.  It CAN be beautiful and wonderful.

We attended three weddings last year, there will be another wedding this Sunday we won't make it to, plus this week another young man was gleefully showing off the engagement ring he plans to give to his sweetheart soon.  (I'm blocking this person when I share on Facebook just so she doesn't accidentally figure it out and I ruin the surprise!)  Love is in the air, and it always fills my heart with joy when two young folks (or old!) decide to take the plunge and try their hand at this marriage thing.  I purposely go out of my way to encourage the lovebirds, and declare without shame and with great passion how wonderful it is to go through life with one's best friend and how if both individuals are not selfish it will work.

I have a message for all the old farts and naysayers.  Just because  you don't have an ideal marriage doesn't mean other people can't, and stop being so negative already!  Please. I know that many times a marriage doesn't work out despite one's best efforts and there can be so much pain involved. I am not speaking to you, dear ones.  I am speaking to the grizzled old crows who are marriage veterans of ten, twenty, thirty years and can't stand their spouse.  Shut. Up.  If you want to helpfully share the mistakes you made so we young people can avoid those mistakes, we will gladly listen to your wisdom.  But do not say things like:

"Marriage is ALWAYS hard."

"You will ALWAYS have problems."

"Men are ALWAYS selfish."

"Women are ALWAYS selfish."

"There can NEVER be a perfect marriage."

"Don't expect your man not to be a douche.  He WILL be a douche."

"Don't expect your wife to be sensitive to your feelings.  Women are ALWAYS crazy."

"Kids WILL make your marriage difficult."

Be quiet if you have such nasty, horrible things to say.  Don't discourage and dishearten the next generation with your negativity.  Don't pretend you're trying to give them a dose of reality.  What you're actually doing is excusing your own bad relationship with your spouse and trying to make yourself feel better.  This helps no one.  No wonder so many of my generation are choosing to live together without being married and panic at the sound of wedding bells.  It's because of you, and your negative attitude and example.  (I'm not singling out anyone in particular in my mind.  SO MANY people have said all these things to us that I'm anathematizing one and all.)

Young Love! Tim & Anita 1986
Used with permission

Two of my favorite people in the world are my uncle and aunt, Tim & Anita Atwell.  Growing up, I didn't understand their special bond at all.  I scratched my head trying to figure out why on earth she never wanted to go anywhere without him, and why they purposely made sure not to plan nights or events away from each other.  It made no sense to me at all.  Just one night?  I even, to my shame, thought it was a little lame sometimes.  I mean, they would rather spend a quiet evening together at home than one of them go out with friends and have fun.  My single, ignorant little self didn't understand what a great example of a healthy marriage they are until I was much older.

Tim and Anita will be celebrating their 33rd anniversary in a couple of weeks.   Thirty-three years is a long time, folks!  If you live to be 99 years old, that's one third of your whole lifetime.   And they are still madly, ridiculously in love with each other.  Anita lights up with pure joy every time Tim comes home from work.  I see her run to meet him at the door squealing with excitement like a little girl, and then I have to look away because of the scandalous PDA which follows.  (Hugging and kissing.  Ew!  (I said that because that's what I used to think.))  She talks about him constantly, and texts me all the time about the nice, thoughtful things he does for her.  He fixed this.  He did that.  He didn't complain even though he was so tired or sick when he had to do something for their family.  They have fun together.  One time Uncle Tim texted me about dinner plans and I was sure it was for Anita, so I told him.  He was like "oh dear, I'm glad it wasn't something worse!"  😉

33 years later!
Used with permission

And don't even dare think that their marriage is so good because everything is smooth and wonderful
and fairytale land for them.  Over the years those two have gone through some of the darkest trials I've ever seen anyone experience.  The death of family members and friends.  Sickness.  Cancer.  Financial issues.  Cars breaking down. The kinds of trials that normally stresses and tears marriages apart.  Their love for each other is a constant throughout everything, binding them together and helping each other make it through in one piece and with joy.  They live life on purpose, and with meaning, carefully considering each other in everything they do.

TJ and I have only had four years' practice so far but I think we have the hang of it.  We were talking over dinner on our anniversary date night and remembering how much each of us longed for a great marriage, for many years, while we were still single.  We both searched and searched for someone who shared the vision of a wonderful marriage and family life, and then we found each other.  I thank God every day for that, and for my amazing husband.  In fact, the only reason I'm writing this on Saturday instead of hanging out with him is because he has to work today.  Monday is a holiday and we get to spend the whole day together and check out the movie "Aquaman."  I can't wait!  He is my best friend, my confidante, the one who makes me laugh with his corny humor and goofy antics, a man who is an excellent leader and deadly serious about the important things in life.  He is our daughters' hero, and they miss him so much when he's gone at work!  Bella wrapped her arms around his neck the other day and said "Daddy you make me so happy."  I pray fervently that someone out there is raising little boys who will be as good husbands to them as he is to me.

I will wrap this up with something my aunt Tante Anita posted on my Facebook wall today.

"I gotta admit....I have the utmost respect for a woman who says 'Let me check with my husband first.'  Or a man who says 'Let me run it past the wife and I'll get back with you.'  See, what people don't get is that it isn't because you can't make a decision on your own.  It's just that when you are in a relationship you value the other person so much that you DON'T make decisions on your own.  A good relationship is not only about being exclusive, it's about being inclusive."

There you have it my friends, the "secret" to an outstanding marriage.  For all of you single young people out there who are looking--choose your partner wisely.  And you can have an AMAZING happily ever after.

Wedding day!

4 year anniversary!

January 2019, 4 years later. I think we're aging well!

Honeymoon January 2015!

Projecting Images

The subject of modesty is such a well ridden and downtrodden horse in this day and age.  I've read hundreds of articles and blogs and books over the years detailing what each author's beliefs, thoughts, and opinions are on modesty, and have gone through a number of stages and ideas that I tried for myself--both voluntary and involuntary.  The other night as I was vacuuming the halls of the chemistry lab at work and thinking random thoughts about random stuff, an eye opening flash bulb went off in my head and I suddenly realized that everything I'd ever read on the subject of modesty had missed the mark.  Perhaps others have written about the same thing I thought of.  But I don't remember hearing it preached or taught anywhere, and I am excited to jot down these new thoughts while they're fresh in my mind.

First a little of my background.  When I was around seven years old my parents came under the influence of several teachers who preached a severe and cult-like form of Christianity, and decided that it was the thing for them.  They wanted to live godly lives, and this must be the way to do it.  I remember when the restrictions on what I could wear began.  First it was no bathing suits, shorts, or pants.  Then it was no T shirts.  Then it was no short sleeve shirts for the boys (although we girls could wear sleeves to just above the elbow--weird!)  Then it slowly graduated to denim skirts and calico shirts or denim jumpers, until my mother pounced on a treasure that would affect the way we dressed for the next decade.  It was, I kid you not, Amish dress patterns!  My goodness was she excited.  She literally got together with friends of ours and had a big sewing party, making long, neck-to-floor cape dresses for all of us.  I was around eleven or twelve by then, and barely beginning to have opinions about clothes.  I still just wore whatever my parents bought for me, without thinking about it.

Then I discovered, in a magazine my parents received, a lengthy article entitled "The Sin of Bathsheba."  To my impressionable budding preteen heart, this article was like opening a whole new door of wonder and knowledge for me!  So this is what the whole modesty thing is about, I told myself, excited.  In a nutshell, the piece tells the story of King David and Bathsheba in the Bible and then details in great length how the sin was on Bathsheba's part, not so much David's.  By bathing in a place where he could see her, she ensnared him with her fatal beauty and it was her fault that he committed adultery with her.  Then the author of the article applied his twisted logic to women everywhere, cautioning over and over that if we ladies aren't careful, we will entangle poor helpless men with our beauty and cause them to stumble and sin, and it's our God-given duty not to do so.  He even listed the various articles of clothing that would specifically cause a man to think lustful thoughts!  Sleeveless tops, and pants, are the only two I remember.  (Maybe he had a fetish?)

I was so happy to finally discover the reason for the modesty madness that had possessed my mother.  I, too, would jealously safeguard the honor of any man I came across and make sure he didn't sin with his heart when he looked at me.

Problem was, I had absolutely no way to know what other people were thinking.  And I had no idea that men and women too can be utter pervs and no amount of clothing was going to stop that.  The wave of sexual sins of every kind you can think of, among my peers who all wore "modest clothing" like me, shows that clothes can't change hearts.  (There was lots of other stuff going on also, but I'm only addressing the modesty thing at the moment.) As one young man put it, "You could wear a circus tent and we'd still know what's under it."

I struggled for all of my teens and early adult life to figure out just what modesty was.  Was it dresses?  Was it pants?  What on earth is it?  Do I just give up worrying about whatever others think and wear whatever I want to?  How much skin is too much?  My uncle said something very wise to me in my early teens which, although it stuck with me, didn't sink in like it should have.  If I'd realized the full truth of his casual statement, I could have saved myself years of grief.

"The bait that you use is the fish that you'll catch."

What he meant was that if I was to dress like a ho, I'd catch a boy who liked ho's.  If I dressed like a homeschooled backwoods girl, I'd probably attract a homeschooled backwoods boy.  If I dress like a normal person, I'll probably attract a fairly normal guy.  And this leads to the huge "DUH!" moment I had this evening.  Modesty is a non-issue altogether.  The key is to dress appropriately!

I started thinking about all the different societal functions I'm involved in.  And it struck me how when preparing for my day each morning I really never think about modesty at all.  I think of of what the appropriate outfit for the day's activities will be.  If I'm going to the gym, I wear gym shorts or leggings and racerback tank top and tennis shoes.  I wouldn't dream of wearing these clothes to church!  That would be both immodest and inappropriate.  If I'm taking my girls to the water park, we wear bathing suits.  Again, imagine wearing swimsuits to Grandma's funeral!  That would be a terrible breach of propriety that all society would frown upon.  (Unless it's a traditional Hawaiian funeral, of course, LOL--I've been watching Hawaii Five-0.)  My husband has to wear a company shirt to work.  Is he offended by that, does he feel his individuality is squashed?  Of course not.  They hired him, and he understands he must be professional at work.  If we are out on a date, I like wearing a pretty dress, perhaps somewhat revealing, because I'm with him and I know he likes that.  Around the house, I can pretty much wear anything or nothing at all (though the girls are getting too old for that now).  It's my home, my cave, my castle, my rules.  But outside my house God commands me to live peaceably with all men if possible, and part of that is conforming to the dress code society expects, because I don't want to offend my fellow humans and I want to be a testimony for Christ.

What I am trying to say is that human people, men and women both, are exceedingly visual creatures.  We project images, and receive images constantly.  Our brains instantly process our first impression when we meet someone.  We meet a man or woman in a neat business suit carrying a briefcase, and we assume they are a white collar worker of some kind.  That might be utterly false, but it's the impression they convey.

When you see a person in a tutu and pointe shoes you don't think "Hey, she must be a plumber!"  A guy in a ten gallon hat, jeans, boots, and spurs projects the image of a cowboy.  Black trench coats and sunglasses, a spy or detective or agent of some kind.  A person in black heavy makeup and black clothes looks Goth.  A person in a gi is probably involved in martial arts. Even different eras have different "looks", if you research fashion trends.  Now, all these people might not be all these things, but this is the image they are projecting.  And everyone chooses to project something each day, by both their clothing and attitude.  And there's nothing wrong with that!

As a young lady growing up I began to hate projecting something I was not, day in and day out.  Every single time I went out in public in my Amish cape dress and head covering I was asked if I was in a cult, or Amish, or Mennonite, or Hutterite, or in a Halloween play, and I grew so utterly sick of it.  I couldn't blame the people who asked me these questions because that was exactly what I looked like!  I didn't want to look like any of those things.  (Now I really wish I'd saved some of those old dresses for Halloween costumes. LOL.)  My journey of finding out who I was and what I wanted to project took a very long time.  At one point I became involved with someone and changed myself to be what I thought he liked.  I dressed the way he liked, even though it wasn't me and I didn't like it.    And it wasn't healthy at all.

 I love how my husband TJ encourages me to experiment and step out of my comfort zone in so many areas, including clothes.  He likes seeing me try new things, and figure out what my style is.  It's growing slowly but surely, and I'm already seeing my little girls light up with interest in fashion choices.  Bella says "You're so beautiful, mommy, I want to be beautiful like you!" and I melt all to pieces.  I tell her she's beautiful all the time, and I want to teach her and her sister how to be aware of the image they're projecting at all times.  It's better than telling them "be modest." (Although I do have to tell them that also, the little nudists!) It will enable them to gauge what they want out of life, for themselves, as they grow older.

I see articles in the media about how certain groups kick up an almighty fuss about the oppression of women, and how women should be allowed to go topless or be fat or whatever and others aren't allowed to judge or admire them (I don't get how you can have both).  I'm sorry, but you can't dress one way and force people to think something else.  You can have individual conversations with people you know personally and tell them you're something else, but you can't be mad at total strangers, especially on media, for thinking the exact thing you're projecting.  It isn't reasonable.

Peace out, folks.

Jenna backpacking, age 10

Jenna, age 18

Jenna, age 26 (right before I started seeing TJ!)

The Handmaid's Tale: Thoughts

My little sisters, 1998. Yes, this is how
we dressed at all times.

One of the most popular TV shows for the past year has been Handmaid's Tale, based on the book by Margaret Atwood.  I finally decided to see what all the fuss was about and watched a few episodes.  The story--portrayed in a graphic and riveting way designed to capture your emotions and make you feel how wrong it all is--made a profound impact on my mind and I've been slowly revolving the thoughts in my head until they've taken shape and I'm able to decide how I feel about it all.

It's a disturbing show on so many levels.  The basic premise of the story is that a radical right wing Judeo-"Christian" group has taken over Congress and the East Coast and slaughtered the existing government, creating in its place a theocracy/monarchy where "righteousness" is enforced with an iron hand.  I was sitting there watching in a bit of shock at the horrific and graphic measures taken to enforce "god's laws", when it suddenly hit me.  This has happened before!  

History has been every bit as brutal and more so, and it's only recently that religious freedom, or freedom of any kind, has even been a thing.  Look up the Dark Ages when the religious institution of Catholicism ruled the civilized world.  People were stoned, beaten, tortured, and burned alive just for daring to be different than the status quo.  In Handmaid's Tale, so far as I've watched all they've done are beatings, hangings, mutilations, and some shootings.  Nobody's been burned alive or pulled apart by sharp tongs yet.  The suffering of Christians, and others who bucked the system, are clarified in my mind as I see on cinema a portrayal of what can happen when an extreme group, who care nothing for personal freedoms or the autonomy of an individual, takes over and rules the land.

It happened with Catholicism.

It happened under Islam.

It happened under Communism.

It happened under the Nazi empire.

At first I was like, this show is a blasphemous and twisted representation of Christianity, taking parts of the Bible and using it to their own ends to create terror and feed their morbid lust for power.  Then I realized it's not impossible.   It's actually not unrealistic.  And my gut twisted with apprehension for my children's future while my mind flooded with gratitude that I live in, so far, free America.

Although Hollywood is taking a swing at Christianity in a sense through the show, hollering "look what you get when the right wing radicals take over,"  I actually think it's the opposite.  Socialist democracy is much more scary, and is exactly the sort of thing that would allow such a regime to take place.  When you take away the people's freedom and think you can force them to do the "right thing", that opens the door to such a vast slime pit of corruption and abuse of power that it's almost unimaginable.  Both sides, left and right, need to learn to trust people to make decisions for themselves.  You can't make them stop drinking soda and eating hamburgers.  You can warn them that it's bad for their health, but making soda and hamburgers illegal would have such far rippling and horrible effects that the mind can't even grasp the results.  You can't take away their money because you think you know better how to spend it.  You can preach abstinence before marriage and you can preach that homosexuality is wrong, but hanging people who fornicate and shooting gay people is the wrongest possible solution and as un-Christlike as it gets.

Freewill is the core of the universe.  Freewill makes the world go round.  Freewill is so goshdarn important that God Himself allows horrible things to happen in His world, because He is wise enough to know that if he stepped in and forced people to do the right thing then that would be taking away their freewill to choose.  Without freewill, there is no love.  There is no hate.  There is no joy, or compassion, or sorrow.  Without freewill, the world is black and white and gray, a mere nothingness, a pitiful excuse for existence.  And the freedom to exercise our God-given freewill is the most important, most precious, most valuable thing a human being can possess.  Throughout history people have gladly died to protect that freedom.  May we be faithful in preserving it!

(In case you can't tell, I'm a staunch Libertarian. ;-) )

Precious Moments of 2018

All of life is filled with moments to be remembered, be they joyful, precious, or painful.  It is officially the year 2019 by the Roman calendar in the Western hemisphere, and the year's beginning has always been a time of reflection, meditation, and resolve for me.  I used to read through my old journals on the new year, but I don't do that anymore.  The Present is so much more beautiful to me than the Past that I love to savor every minute of the deliciousness of my current life.  Even when I'm coughing my lungs up from a horrible cold that me and the girls are suffering through.  The three of us have huddled together on the living room sofa for a few days now, trying to fight off the Beast.  We're mending slowly, and getting lots of cuddles and extra TV time in meanwhile.

Exactly four years ago I was on cloud nine, dizzy with excitement for my wedding to the man of my dreams in a week.  It was such a special point in time for my 26 year old self, and our romance was both a whirlwind and a dream.  Four years later I love him more than ever, and our New Year celebration was wonderful.  I feel so blessed, humbled and grateful to be able to experience this kind of love!  The man worked like a machine, non stop for a week getting our house ready for inspection while his wife lay dead on the sofa, and he had to take care of her too.  I did help hang drywall and paint before this cold knocked me flat.  But he and Uncle Glayde did most of the work, and THE HOUSE PASSED INSPECTION!!!  Finally.  I was beginning to think it never would!  And even though it was a rush job the paint and molding sure makes it nice and homey in here.

As I said, precious moments fill my life.  Today, Bella and I watched the movie "Leap!" together.  It's about a little orphan girl who dreams of being a ballet dancer, and works hard to make that dream come true.  Bella cuddled up next to me watched wide eyed, and at the grand finale I asked her "Honey would you like to dance like that?"
     Her response was classically feminine: "But Mommy, I don't have a dress!"

Both girls play piano and sing, and the cacophony of sound is pleasing to their parents and to the angels, though it would never win prizes anywhere else.  If you surprise Lizzy, she grins and plays louder.  If you surprise Bella at the keys she turns shy and stops.  I love their different personalities so much!  Bella is all about finding solutions to problems.  Lizzy is all about cozying up to someone else so they'll solve her problems for her--mainly her older sister.  Their responses to everything is so different!  Yesterday I had a black charcoal face mask on.  Lizzy pointed her little finger and laughed at me, an adorable giggle as if to say "mommy you're so funny!"  Bella sternly looked at me and said "Mommy your face is dirty, go wash it!"

My head hurts and my baby insists on sitting in my lap.  Adieu for the present.  Hurrah for 2019!

I caught this special moment while Lizzy was napping

Sister kisses

Big brown eyes!

My husband!😍

All dressed up for church

Beautiful smile

My younger daughter

Ready for life

Silly faces

A very sad little pumpkin because she isn't allowed in the room we're sanding