I was in the local Sam's Club parking lot yesterday, loading my usual haul of bakery supplies and groceries into the trunk of my car, when I heard someone screaming. I jerked my gaze behind me in the direction of the sound, and spotted a mother occupied with the same duties as I--chivying at least four children and assorted goods into her Jeep. The mom was screaming at her oldest, who looked to be around 13 years old, and he was yelling back at her. She met my gaze and I could see her embarrassment and frustration even across the two wide aisles of cars. She was much too far away for me to say anything, and I drove home in deep thought.
I have noticed a trend among parents, as my children grow older and I also have to handle their frustrating and bizarre behavior frequently--everything from driving their cars in the toilet to tying their karate belts to their curtain rods and playing Tarzan. The trend I am talking about is complaining about our children as a form of bonding among us parents. I catch myself doing it occasionally, and it revolts my soul. Recently I had a parent call their bright, sweet child terribly profane names in the course of a normal conversation with me, as if that was a regular and normal thing to do, while their child was listening. I didn't know what to say, I was so shocked. This person also repeated the same slur to me, at a different time and a different day, which tells me it was a regular thing and not a one time occasion. I wasn't quick enough to shut them down, but I didn't enter into their sentiment or agree with them. Not too long ago my husband pointed out an unkind thing I said about one of my children, and I was jolted with another painful shock. Negativity is so contagious!!!!
Speaking Life into others is the duty of every decent human being, and especially of every Christian. And who is more important to speak Life into than our very own children and spouses, the people whom we see the most often and who also have the most numerous opportunities to annoy us? There are things people have said to me in passing as a child that have stuck with me for the rest of my life, both negative and positive. I am doing my best to make it a habit to tell my kids every day that they are wonderful and beautiful and special, and that I love them. It is natural to love your children, but I also want to like them. I want to raise likable, fun humans who integrate smoothly into society and are productive and successful.
Imagine the most important person in the world to you, the one that you look up to and admire above all else and unconsciously want to emulate. Imagine overhearing that person refer to you by a vile name in conversation with their friend. How would that make you feel? You might be used to it, desensitized by a lifetime of such abuse. (Yes, I will call it abuse.) But it slowly eats away at your soul, until finally you either believe you are the thing that they say, or you distance yourself from your abuser and find positive affirmation elsewhere.
This week we went to the bank with our girls and helped them get their first checking accounts. They were so excited to deposit the money they saved, and I was so proud of them. I am not a perfect parent by any means, but it would not occur to me to call my daughters the name my friend called their child, because I do not ever think of my girls as that nasty thing. On their occasional bouts of frustrating behavior, I take deep breaths and remind myself that they are little, immature humans who look to me as the mature human in the situation as a role model and example of responses to frustrating behavior. And with God's help I will never, ever speak of my children negatively again to another person for as long as I live.
In conclusion, to the mom in the parking lot: I hope you find your peace and I hope someone in your life gives you a break, so that you can relax, recharge, and reconsider the way you communicate with your children. Best of luck to all you parents out there! Don't forget that "little pitchers have big ears."
"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue: those who love it will eat the fruit and bear the consequences of their words." Proverbs 18:21
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