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| Me going backpacking at age 10, in my calico dress and Amish bonnet! |
I grew up in what is now being labeled as a Fundamentalist christian family. I am still working on making an enormous list of strange and WTF things we believed in and did, not just as a group with our isolated set of friends, but idiosyncrasies that only belonged to our own family. It is such a long and complicated list that I could probably blog about each one individually!
The subject on my mind today is that of Submission. I want to quote what the Bible has to say on the matter, and then talk about the un-Scriptural and ungodly ways it was applied to my life in my early years and how it has affected me to this day.
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.a 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body. 31“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:22-32
"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." Colossians 3:18-20
1Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 Peter 3
These are the only passages I could find that directly address the submission of the wife to the husband in particular. In my experience growing up being drilled with these verses, memorizing them and letting them sink into my mind, the adults in my life conveniently forgot about most of the passage--context is SO important--and focused exclusively on the verses I will highlight in bold out of the passages above.
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.a 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body. 31“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:22-32
"Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." Colossians 3:18-20
1Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 Peter 3
Even worse than this despicable cherry picking of the verses that fit the philosophy invented by power hungry men who wanted full control of their families at all times, was the complete forgetting of important Bible verses such as the ones immediately preceding the most oft quoted passage on wife submission in Ephesians 5! Read Eph. 5:15-21
17"Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ."
Forget all the parts woven in about mutual love and respect and treating your wife like the treasure she is. Forget all the verses about how a woman is an essential, equal, and incredibly valuable life partner (read Proverbs 31!) Forget what the Bible says about living with one another with selfless love and understanding, and how a man is not complete without a woman to help him and keep him straight (Genesis 2). Forget how women followed Jesus, and He treated them with respect and often gave them higher duties and callings than the men. Oh no--we must keep these women in control at all times, because we are their "head" just like Christ is head of the church!
Whatever those passages really mean, this is how they were lived out and played out in my life growing up.
Being female in my day meant being less of a human being. We girls were either not allowed to or strongly discouraged from:
>getting a job
>getting drivers licenses
>going to college or equivalent higher education
>wearing anything remotely attractive or flattering (God forbid any sort of pants--and shorts, oh holy horror!)
>climbing trees (someone might see up your skirt, besides it's not ladylike!)
>cutting our hair
>making friends with guys who were not blood related
>talking to guys who were not blood related
>looking at guys who were not blood related (yes I got in trouble for this once! Didn't even register that a guy was there actually, didn't know his parents thought I was checking him out!)
>wearing makeup (unpardonable sin!) (nail polish in the same category)
>having cell phones
>having communication with the outside world (computers a no-no!)
>being in any way friendly, exuberant or outwardly excited (you were to have a "meek and quiet spirit")
>dancing (absolutely forbidden)
>touching a person of the male gender (hand shakes forbidden)
>learning about sex or anything of a sexual nature
>choosing our own spouse (arranged marriage with the daughter's "permission")
>dating--another cardinal sin
Does this sound a little restrictive or oppressive maybe? I didn't know any better, and even though my spirit chafed at restrictions at the same time I believed they were for the best. Didn't I know that there were men out there waiting to rape me if I showed any skin between my neck and my ankles? (Not that I even knew what rape was!) Didn't I know that this was the will of God for my life and I was pleasing Him by SUBMITTING to these man made rules that were good for me?
These were the things I dealt with as a daughter in a fundie family that was even a little more crazy than most. The things I observed in the wife/mother category were and still are a little worse. As a daughter I had my whole future ahead of me, and could make the choice not to follow in the oppressive footsteps of my parents. I could (and did!) "rebel" and start wearing pants, thinking for myself, get a job, go on trips without my parents (I spent my first night away from my parents at age 21!), make friends in the outside world, date the man of my choice, and marry him. The women of my world were already stuck with their future and their choices. And they believed--many still do--with all their hearts that they were doing the right thing and ensuring a place for themselves in Heaven by submitting--that is, blindly obeying--everything their husbands told them to do (or imagined he told them to do), without question, whether good or bad. We were fed stories of evil and abusive men whose wives "loved them into the faith," putting up with horrible behavior (even physical abuse) in faith that God would reward their submission and their husband will miraculously turn to Jesus because his wife let him walk all over her. Divorce was absolutely not an option! If her husband left her, even if he divorced her, in God's eyes she was still married to him and must keep herself ready to go back to him should he ever decide to take her back.
I have a dear, sweet friend whose marriage fell apart recently. Her husband is openly cheating on her, and is emotionally and otherwise abusive. Should she stay with him?! Should she subject herself and their baby to his sinful, dangerous and debauched lifestyle, in hopes he might someday repent? That is what I was taught, growing up, would be the right thing for her to do.
I am so glad we have broken away from this oppressive system that isn't true Christianity, and my friend found the strength and courage to leave her husband to wallow in his own swill like the filthy pig he has chosen to be.
God is very concerned over the safety of His children. He is a champion of the oppressed Psalm 10:17-18
O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear18to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.
He calls one who refuses to take care of their family "worse than an unbeliever" 1Timothy 5:8
I could quote hundreds of verses, but God is consistently on the side of the oppressed and the helpless and the needy. He is creating a world someday in which all will be right, and justice will be meted out for all. People call it karma, and I do think God has a way of letting the crows come home to roost in this world as well. What goes around comes around!
Soon after I was married, a well meaning lady gave me a talk on the subject of submission. She noticed that whenever plans were being made, my husband would say "Let me ask Jenna about it." She solemnly explained how I was not submitting to him, and how wives need to submit to their husbands.
Lady, you know nothing at all of true submission. I knew she was the epitome of a doormat and had a very unhealthy, unhappy relationship with her husband. My husband and I have an extremely happy, healthy relationship. We are best of friends, believe in strong communication at all times, and as partners and roommates it behooves us to ask and tell each other plans. Duh! When he asks or tells me about plans, it is not because he needs my "permission." It's because he respects and loves me and wants to know if it's okay by me and if we maybe had other plans already.
A dear relative of mine planted a seed in my heart when I was around 16 years old, that blossomed and bore fruit in my marriage many years later. They were visiting us and I asked how long they were going to stay. The husband told me, "It's up to my wife. Whenever she says to leave, we'll leave!"
I was extremely puzzled, and inquired, "But doesn't she have to submit to whatever you say? Aren't you the decision maker in the home?"
He laughed. "I love and respect my wife," he said. "I do not care when we leave, and I want to make her happy and be on her schedule!"
This simple statement started the wheels turning in my brain. One of the many little ways my mother submitted to my dad in those days was he would always say when to go and when to come when it came to events. She would never say when she wanted to leave, even though my dad in his most fundamentalist days has always been fairly easygoing. I thought it was a man thing to decide, like driving whenever the family went places.
My husband respects me like most women could never hope to dream of being loved and respected. He does not care about being "macho" and showing off with a domineering attitude to show control of his woman. He likes me as a person, and wants to know my thoughts and opinions. In fact it frustrates him when I happen not to have any thoughts or opinions about something! We submit to each other as it were. And that is what I believe God meant when he said for wives to submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. It's not a greater or lesser equality thing. It's a practical way for a household to run, and shows that the ultimate responsibility for the family lands squarely on the husband's shoulders. I have equal responsibility, he has final responsibility before God. I am responsible for my own heart and life and for how I treat him and the children. He is responsible for himself but also for the direction our family is headed. For example, it was my idea to move to Texas. He took it and ran with it and is more enthusiastic about our new home state, if possible, than I am. I didn't drag him out here, and he didn't drag me. We mutually and equally made the decision. But the ultimate responsibility for the decision is his.
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| At our wedding. |
I am so glad my husband understands the true meaning of submission! It must grieve God's heart for so many families to take His words and twist them into something He never meant to be. It is a truly terrible thing for man to create his own agenda and back it up with religious fervor! I have seen devastating consequences of this sort of thing that have affected generations. Heck, the whole Middle Ages was all about the Roman Catholic church using religion to oppress millions upon millions of people who only wanted assurance of heaven in the afterlife.
I will wrap this up and step down off my soapbox by saying that I firmly believe it is wrong to submit to your spouse--husband or wife--if they require you to do something sinful, inappropriate, or violate your conscience. I believe that the marriage partnership should be equal--equal love, respect, voice in all things. But I am so glad that I don't have the ultimate decision making to do! TJ does it so very well, and I am extremely happy in my choice to submit to him.
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| He is the MAN for me!!! |
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