Free To Be Wild

 "Oh what well-behaved children you have!"  The older couple beamed as they complimented my parents. My seven siblings and I smiled and sat at the extended restaurant table, quiet as mice and cleaning our plates.  Our parents swelled with pride, which spilled over onto our heads and increased when the nice older couple paid for our dinner (not a small bill).  We continued our meal in obedient silence and went on our merry way, secure in the knowledge that the public viewed us as "well-behaved children."

What the world did not see, behind the scenes, was the pain and relationship dissolving trauma that caused all of those young children to sit so still and behave so well.  Nowadays it worries me when I see young children who seem lifeless with no desire to wiggle, run, or jump.  And it's not necessarily because the parents are abusing them.  My kids' generation is growing up attached to screens and devices with the tenacity of a growth or external organ, and all in the name of parents' pursuit to get their offspring to sit still. Even though we didn't have electronic devices back then, correct and proper behavior was expected of us at all times, and we knew the consequences of cutting loose or causing the old folks any embarrassment.  

I had lots of expectations and ideas about children's behavior before I had kids.  Then in 2015 I was blessed with a wonderful, talented, beautiful daughter, with the energy of ten thousand suns.  One year after that I was immeasurably blessed with a second daughter, brimming with the force of the universe.  My son is not yet big enough to tear the house apart, but I expect he will be soon enough.  My children are happy, friendly, talented, imaginative, and resourceful.  They just are that way naturally--I did not train them to be.  And they are also that way because I make sure they are free to be wild.  

Here is a litany of comments I have received from friends, relatives, and the public.

"You don't spank your kids enough!"

"Why don't they sit still?"

"What is wrong with your children?"

"Gotta beat them kids!"

But far more often, this is what I get:

"Wow your children are so smart!"

"Your kids are so nice and friendly."

"Your daughter asks the best questions in class."

"Your girls have the fire and drive that will make them succeed in life!"

"Your kids are so positive."

"How do your kids make friends so easily?"

These comments are music to the ears of a mom who sometimes is beside herself to redirect the boundless energy of her progeny into productive channels.  Here is an excellent article (among many) explaining practically why young children shouldn't sit still.  But the temptation still exists to court the approval of the grandparents and great-grandparents and random old people in Costco that I don't even know.  The world is changing and my generation is jumping on board the train of understanding children's psyche and the fact that their development is more important than our pride.  I have two basic rules: Don't break things, don't hurt each other.  While other moms at the parks are freaking out seeing my girls scaling cliffs and climbing trees, I am enjoying watching them attain new heights and learn new skills. While the baby boomer in the aisle of Walmart scowls in disapproval, I am enjoying watching my 5 year old twirl her costume dress in circles and sing "I Love You, You Love Me,  We're a Happy Family!"  

When they are grumpy and tired or throw a fit in public (it doesn't happen very often), I do my best to swallow my pride and acknowledge that my children are young humans who haven't learned to bottle up their feelings yet or express them wholly with words, and although the behavior might be unacceptable it's a learning and growing experience for all of us.  Me getting mad will only make the situation worse and model behavior I don't wish them to exhibit.  Children learn by watching, you know.

Let's stop labeling normal childish behavior as naughty, or "bad", or give it a label like ADHD. (Let me repeat, normal behavior. Some kids really do have ADHD.) Let's stop listening to the naysayers who try to  tear down your kids or complain about theirs.

Good And Evil

 "You are worthless."

"You were born a sinner."

"Nothing good you do really matters."

"Being a good person is meaningless."

"Just because you are good doesn't mean God will accept you."

"Your good deeds are like filthy rags."

"No matter what you do, you can't help sinning."

This is the message that was ingrained into my being and my psyche since I was a very little girl by my conservative Christian parents and friends and relatives and the church.  You are bad. You are rotten.  You are nothing, but guess what?  This is wonderful news because there's this person named Jesus who is everything!  You should be glad you are worthless, because Jesus can magically transfer his righteousness to you if you say the right magic words.  Don't forget, you are still a nasty rotten sinner--the magic words don't change that.  But God believes the lie that you are righteous because he sees you through the wonderful glasses made of Jesus' righteousness. This magical power means that you can be guilty of any crime--no matter how gross and heinous--because salvation is through faith alone. Guess what, you are considered by God to be His beloved son or daughter, not because you are made in His image or are actually his son, but because he sees His son Jesus and manages to forget you exist or his wrath would descend upon your sinful head.

I wonder if these eager evangelists and preachers and strict parents realize what it does to a child's psyche to be taught this horrendous nonsense.  I wonder if any of them stop to consider why young people are leaving the Christian church in droves, committing suicide, or turning to drugs and prostitution. 

I remember reading the parable of the sheep and the goats in the Bible and being very confused by the vivid imagery. I didn't like the story.  It didn't fit in with anything Paul the Apostle said about salvation through faith alone. It didn't even mention faith at all. Here is the whole passage, in the New King James Version.

31“When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the [c]holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory.32All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats.  33And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left.  34Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:  35for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in;  36I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

37“Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink?  38When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You?  39Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’  40And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

41“Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:  42for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink;  43I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

44“Then they also will answer [d]Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’  45Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’  46And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” Matthew 25

Here is a crazy, preposterous, heretical thought. What if Jesus actually meant exactly what He said?  Notice that first, the "righteous sheep" didn't even know they were doing righteous deeds that would save them.  They simply did the right thing, without thinking of themselves at all.  This kills the notion that self focus, or self-righteous works, will save you or makes you a good person.  It does say that doing the right thing without selfish motives 100% guarantees God's notice and has everything to do with your eternal fate.  Secondly, notice that it didn't matter what the "goats" believed or claimed to believe.  They did not DO the right thing in their mortal lives on earth, and that counted 100% against them at the pearly gates.

From beginning to end, from Adam to Cain and Abel, from the kings of Israel to the prophets, and on throughout the New Testament, the Bible--a book composed over thousands of years by hundreds of different men and women--consistently keeps a single minded theme: good vs. evil. Not faith vs non-faith.  Not good believing people, but good doing people.  Adam disobeyed God.  He was disobedient for himself.  Abraham obeyed God.  He was obedient for himself.  Jesus obeyed God.  He was obedient for himself and no other.  And what does God require of us? 

Micah 6:8   He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?

And as for a New Testament verse, what about 1 Corinthians 13: "And now abides faith, hope, and love: but the greatest of these is love."  When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment in the whole Bible was, he responded: "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself." 

I think God is consistent.  I don't think he is wishy washy or changes his mind all the time.  I don't think he cares about your theology, or even the correct theology.   I am pretty sure that he is a good judge of character. The man who dived back into the flooding berth of his sinking ship and saved 19 of his fellow men, losing his own life in the process; the woman who gives of herself selflessly every single day to save children from human trafficking; the child who shielded his little sister from the falling buildings in the San Francisco earthquake and was mortally injured--I don't think that on judgment day God asked if they knew the Catechism by heart or "believed in Jesus."

The man who proclaims the name of Christ while secretly assaulting every little boy he can lay his hands on; the woman who prays religiously and goes on mission trips but treats her husband with contempt and beats and abuses her children; the child who maliciously kidnapped and murdered a baby--I don't think God cares what they claim to believe either.  They are going straight to the great incinerator on Judgment Day.

Here's a suggestion.  Maybe we should tell our children:

"You are loved."

"You are valued."

"You were born perfect."

"You are a good person."

"You are amazing."

"You will do great things and change the world."

"Love is more important than anything else."

"Jesus loves the whole world--not just you, not America, not the nation of Israel specially--the whole entire world, and you should too."

"You are made in God's image and are his son and daughter."

Perhaps, just perhaps, then the gospel would give the world hope instead of sinking into despair. Maybe then the gospel would actually be good news that could be shared without embarrassment or regret.