In Defense of the Patriarchy

Ah yes, I'm definitely going to get myself in trouble with this one.  In the sea of swirling waves of controversy surrounding the genders--if genders even exist, according to some--I've noticed a theme pop up over and over again. From the Barbie movie last summer starring Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie, to disgruntled feminists frantically searching for somebody to blame their woes on, to individuals heartbroken and deeply damaged by somebody, it is really easy to pin all the blame on this thing called the Patriarchy. Nobody really even knows what the patriarchy is. It's a nebulous word that's come to symbolize all things bad, in a way that's really quite unfair.  Words are losing their meanings these days, like the word toxic,  which used to mean poisonous but now it simply means anything you don't happen to like.

The definition of the word patriarchy according to the dictionary is,

"A system of society or government in which the father or eldest male is head of the family and descent is traced through the male line."

There is a part of the human psyche that automatically rebels against coercion, and at the very same time embraces good leadership as necessary to our very existence. I love studying history. There have been so many great leaders who throughout the centuries inspired their subordinates to follow them to the death. A few I can think of off the top of my head are Hannibal, Magellan, and Napoleon, who despite their failings as humans and the devastation they wrought in their day inspired a fanatical devotion in the soldiers who were willing to do anything and brave any hardship for their leaders. Most humans enjoy the comfort of knowing somebody else is making the rules and calling the shots for them, and humans are also very suggestible.  Some of the worst atrocities in society have happened because somebody in authority made a decision and nobody stood up and said "Hell no we aren't doing that!"

I am observing an entire generation of women today who are growing up and having children outside of wedlock, leaving their husbands, or not getting married at all because they've been taught that they are supposed to be allergic to male leadership, and to be afraid of "giving power to a man." This is incredibly sad and disheartening!  These women are unfulfilled, sad, lonely, and lost. Even when they think they are happy with their lot, they must needs post multiple tiktoks reiterating just how happy they are, trying to assure themselves of their imagined happiness. Additionally I've seen a whole new social media trend pop up where women are complaining that they can't find any good men anymore.  "Where are the men?" they cry, with wringing hands and mascara streaked cheeks.  

At the same time, boys are growing up emasculated and effeminate, and not only are they told from birth that they are inherently bad, but that they will never ever be allowed to grow into their God-given roles as leaders of men and women both.  This frustrates a real man to his core, and thus we see misogynistic humans like Andrew Tate pop up who veer to the opposite extreme trying to counter balance the castration of men everywhere.  

Extremes are generally not good. Extreme diets of any kind are unhealthy. Extreme exercise destroys the body. Extreme beliefs harm others. Extreme forms of authority with no counterbalances or checks become abusive.  I grew up with extreme "Christianity."  Verses were cherrypicked out of the Bible and twisted to fit whatever odd idea our leaders came up with, including the concept of purity culture and the worship of virginity.  Now that I am an adult, I am seeing an extreme reaction to those views and a swing in the opposite direction, leaving my peers hanging loose with broken marriages and broken views of God. Both extremes are wrong.

I read an article today about Elisabeth Elliot, a household name in my childhood home and a prolific writer and speaker. (Read the article here .)  This article deeply saddened me.  It goes into detail on her abusive third marriage, a truly sad situation. Where the article departs from sanity is when the author ascribes Elisabeth's trials in her third marriage to "the patriarchy."  And before any of you get on a high horse and tell me I don't know what I'm talking about, I grew up with a more extreme version of Bill Gothard's absurd teachings on authority.  I saw constant abuses of authority growing up, and still to this day I see it.  The problem isn't the structure of authority however.  The problem is the people who abuse and enable abuse of authority.  Elisabeth Elliot simply made the mistake of marrying a very bad man, and other weak or bad men aided and abetted his abuse of power.  But concluding that it was the power that made him bad is ridiculous.  It's like seeing a horrible case of child abuse in the news (or experiencing it) and coming to the conclusion that all parents are abusers and the role of parents should be abolished.  

This is an absurd and toxic conclusion. (Yes, I used the word toxic--it is an absolutely poisonous conclusion!)  Men are born to be leaders, whether in large ways or small.  The natural instinct of men is to protect and provide for women and children, and it has been so from the beginning of societal structures.  In order for the human race to survive this long, men have had to be protectors and providers!  And don't  you dare point a finger at me and shriek that women are equally good at protecting and providing.  No, we are not.   And it's not a matter of equality either.  That's such a beaten to death word!  There's not a man in the world who can grow a child in his belly and birth and feed that child with his body.   I tell my daughters all the time that we women are uniquely amazing and special.  I teach my girls that they are QUEENS and deserve the respect, admiration, and protection of men wherever they go.   Men can do things women can't, and women are born to do things and be things that men cannot.  And that's OK.  

It's not only OK but it's good, and right.  Sure, there are often exceptions to the rule.  There always have been.  But modern society likes to point to exceptions and scream that those should be the norm, and meanwhile complain that things aren't right. There has never been such an epidemic of loneliness and depression since the first cave man crawled out of his cave and grunted hello to his neighbor.  

Here's my conclusion.  Authority, wielded correctly by a good man, is not only a very good thing but a lifesaving thing.  My husband loves me more than any other woman on earth, and I know that. He only wants whatever is best for me, and he loves to provide, protect, and make me the happiest woman in the world. When he cautions me about something, or puts his foot down (which happens very rarely) I listen because I know him and I know his heart is to guide our family in the right direction and provide the very best life for us.  Sure, he isn't perfect and makes occasional mistakes.  But he is a much better leader than I am, and I'm here at his side to help him be the best man he can be.  We're in this journey of life together, and we each look out for the other's interests.  We have each other's backs, and we create an impenetrably safe space where each of us can feel heard and loved and seen.   It's a beautiful relationship that has lasted more than nine years, beating the average length of an American marriage by a lot.   I have not once regretted saying Yes to him and giving him a place of authority in my life.  I follow his leadership because it is good, and he is a good leader.  He always listens to me, and takes me seriously.  He has never once put me down or made fun of my ideas.  He encourages me in my own interests and hobbies.  His desire is that I am the strongest, most capable woman I can possibly be.  He has the kind of steady, faithful strength that it takes to run the marathon of life and win.  I hope my son grows up to be just like him.

To every man who has sacrificed body, life, and soul for his family, I salute you.  May the patriarchy live long and prosper!

The Oldest Craft

 

Well, it looks like my posts are actually coming out every two weeks. 😛 It's a good start, as I think I only wrote two posts the entirety of last year. 

Part of my health journey (new post about this soon!) that I didn't at all expect, was that along with the new energy and ability to fit into my clothes that I feel, would be a wakening interest in my old hobbies. When I got married 9 years ago, part of uniting my life with my husband's was a loss of all motivation to do anything that didn't involve him. We did everything together, and didn't like making plans where the other wasn't involved. This is good and healthy and part of a new marriage relationship, and it was so much fun! I didn't want to spend one single second apart from him. In a word, I got fat and happy, lost all my hobbies, and had kids. 

One of my fears as I watched marriages crumble all around me was that if I had my own life and my own hobbies or spent any time away from my husband, I would lose him. Part of maturity seems to be learning not to live my life by fear or make decisions in fear. One of the side effects of this fear was that I completely let myself go, because my husband was too busy working to go to the gym with me, and I had no discipline when it came to my food choices. A great lesson I learned this past year, at age 36 and 9 years into my relationship, was that taking care of myself is not only not selfish, it's actually essential to my marriage and my kids and even to my existence.  I am not advocating for developing a life of your own away from husband and kids. Not at all, that is one of my pet peeves. I do not need time away from them. Other than maybe an hour to myself occasionally to recharge, I love all my people and my very favorite and most restful place is with my husband and children.  What I'm saying is that my relationship with TJ has matured to the point where although he is still my favorite person to do everything with, I have finally allowed myself to have hobbies and interests where he is not involved. If he wanted to be involved, wonderful. But he isn't interested in crocheting, sewing, karate, and now archery the way I am. He's busy building his wonderful little company and taking care of the family. I used to feel bad that I wasn't interested in video games and music the way he is. But now I don't feel bad about that at all. I like that he has his things he likes to do, and I enjoy hanging out and watching him play video games or practice music. He comes to watch me do karate sometimes, and he complains when I stay up too late crocheting. It's a very healthy, happy dynamic, and adds a layer of interest and fun to our relationship!  It keeps the magic and mystery alive. 

My latest new hobby that's actually a very very old one, is the ancient craft of archery. According to paleontologists, the invention of bows and arrows was in the Paleolithic period, about 71,000 years ago.  According to the Bible, it was probably soon after Adam and Eve's kids began to quarrel that the bow and arrow were invented. It's conjecture of course, but I can imagine that after Cain bashed Abel's head in with a rock, his brothers invented bows to keep him at a distance and then he invented bigger bows to keep them out of his city. Anyway, the bow and arrow has been used for centuries, and the simplicity of it as well as the skill, craftsmanship, and connection to our ancestors fascinates me. My Dad has enjoyed archery since he was a boy, and even though he never became expert he is a natural marksman.

I was in Scheel's last week without the kids, for a business meeting, and so happened to have some time to kill. I had been wanting to try their recurve bows for months, ever since I bought Bella her first bow for her birthday last year. I can't shoot her bow because it's too small of course. But I have been wanting to find more activities to enjoy with my children, and I used to be very interested in archery years ago and practice with my brother's compound bow. So I found an extremely helpful employee who went over bow options with me, and let me try out several in their shooting gallery. I fell in love with a gorgeous inlaid 45 lb recurve bow with maple limbs and a layered dark walnut grip. It was surprisingly inexpensive and I bought it on the spot. When I came home with it, my Dad became so excited and asked to go shooting with me. Since he moved in with us last April, even though we see each other all the time we don't really "do" anything together besides church. We went shooting at the free Bear Creek range, and it was SO much fun!!!!! Bella enjoyed using her bow and I promised Lizzy if she learns to shoot with Bella's bow I'll buy her one too. 

I like archery for so many reasons. The pure athletic challenge of it, the skill required, all the fine tuning needed to attain a consistent shot, the fact that it's a totally safe weapon because my kids can't even pull my bow and so they can't accidentally shoot anything, and also how it's nice and quiet. It was an incredibly bonding experience with my Dad and my kids, with Bella and Lizzy taking turns and Oliver handing us arrows. I look forward to taking TJ with us when he gets any time at all off work!