Growing up, I was always fit and trim and healthy, and never really worried or even thought about my weight. I lived on a small farm with my family, and not only did we eat mostly food from the earth--veggies and meat we raised ourselves, and bread from flour ground in our stone mill--but we worked hard and played hard. I remember rearranging an entire haystack just for fun on a Tuesday morning. We rode bikes, played volleyball and ping-pong, and for vacation went on backpacking trips. When I got married at age 26 I was in top shape: I had been practicing 4 hours of martial arts per week, and biking to and from work. Not only did I never imagine my weight could ever be a problem, but I also kinda looked down on people who were "gifted with significant presence" as I heard someone say once. I figured they were either lazy or gluttonous or both, and was dismissive of anything related to weight gain or loss.

Well, God saw it fit to take me down a peg or two.  I was expecting my first baby a couple weeks after our wedding, and the joy and excitement of looking forward to the birth of our first child as well as being newly married took over any other thought in my life. I was living in the city for the first time in my life as well, and it dawned on me one day that I was going to have to intentionally exercise. I joined a gym, but I ate whatever I wanted or craved. I gained fifty pounds that year, and everyone told me "don't worry about it, it's just baby weight and it will come right off after the birth!" Nope. That didn't happen. I think I only lost ten pounds after the birth when all was said and done, and a few months later we found that we were expecting another baby! Pregnancy is the easiest excuse in the world to let one's health go, which doesn't make sense because someone else's health literally depended on mine for survival.

We moved across state lines, to a very stressful situation where we were camping in a couple rooms of a house while renovating the rest of the house as quickly as possible to become livable. My husband worked a very low paying day job, and I worked an even lower paying night job. The stress of that first year in Texas turned time into a blur--I honestly don't even remember that year very well. I think I mentally blocked out the stress, and I definitely ate to feel better and not to nourish my body. I did join a CrossFit box thanks to a friend who helped and supported me and gave me a ride to the gym (I didn't have a car at the time). So I was building muscle, but still eating things that weren't good for me. The year after that I started my own home business, found a day job, and TJ got a much better job as well. Life improved a bit, and we wanted to have more children. I lost two pregnancies that year, which sent me into a tailspin of despair. Now I REALLY had every excuse in the book to do whatever made me feel better, including eating alllll the cake and cookies and drinking sweet coffees.

2020 came around, and in March I both lost my job and miscarried my fifth (total) pregnancy on the same day. We were blessed with two whole months of paid stay at home leave for TJ, and it was an amazing time of rest and rejuvenation and family time that we desperately needed! I also started talking with a friend who enthusiastically encouraged me to lose weight using her special meal replacement shakes. I was really skeptical because I didn't like the multi-level marketing aspect, and it was very expensive as well. In fact, every weight loss program I looked into was way beyond my budget. I thought to myself, "someday when I'm rich I'll be able to lose weight!"  Then my friend told my cousin, who was struggling with a number of health issues, that the same shake thing would help her GAIN weight--and I was done with that idea. It sounded scammy to me, just like every other weight loss program out there.

I decided to embrace my "curves" and stop worrying about being fat, and ignore the back pain and joint pain and other aches and pains I was experiencing, and put it all down to the fact that I was getting older (everyone said the 30's would do that to you!) I followed fashion blogs that targeted heavier women, and figured this was my new life. I also quit CrossFit because I was pregnant again and REALLY didn't want  to lose another baby, so I was cutting everything out of my life that I thought might stress my body.

April of 2021 I gave birth to my son, a gorgeous and amazing baby boy who made all the previous pain of losses worth it. I also weighed my heaviest, 236 lbs--100 pounds more than my trim weight where I felt the best.  But of course I couldn't "go on a diet" because I was nursing an infant now, and needed plenty of nourishment and couldn't afford to starve myself!

We made another move, across state lines again, and started life all over once again with three young children. I had basically given up on my health by then. I had a doctor's appointment where they took full labs of my blood, testing everything. The numbers were not good at all. I was pre-diabetic, had high cholesterol, blood sugar, triglycerides, extremely low vitamin D and my weight was out of control at 227 lbs. This scared me. I didn't want to die young and leave my children and my husband! I didn't know what to do though. I joined another gym, bought another program we couldn't afford, tried to give up food. None of that worked, just like every other time. 

One year after that, I felt like I was falling apart. My back was in so much pain I could hardly sleep at night. My feet were both in extreme pain, as well as splitting apart to the point they bled. I never  had enough energy for anything. Then I met a new friend, Kendra, through my girls' charter school program. I mentioned to this new friend that I was struggling with my weight, and she enthusiastically told me about yet another program--called Trim Healthy Mama. I had heard of it before, but it was one among many I had heard of. My friend told me she lost 70 lbs on it, and my ears perked up. So far every person who tried to sell me on a program was already skinny when they started it, so I was always skeptical. But my friend obviously had success, and additionally she wasn't trying to sell me anything. In fact the "program" cost nothing at all--zero dollars! The only thing it required was a bit of self control and kicking my sugar addiction, which I wasn't ready to do.

May 30, 2023 would change my life. I had joined a group of outdoor enthusiast moms called "Wild Mamas", and enjoyed hiking with all our children in the beautiful mountains of Colorado. That day we were going on a hike in Cheyenne State Park. It was an extremely easy saunter of about a mile, a nice level loop that I could have run in my youth. My children did run it, in fact I never saw them the entire hike because they were at the front of the group and I, well, I was huffing and puffing at the very end of the pack. I literally couldn't keep up with a bunch of toddlers and pregnant mamas! I felt like I was going to die, and had to stop and rest often. One of the ladies stayed back with me to make sure I was okay. When I got home, I had reached a mental crossroads. I could choose life, or I could choose death--a slow, painful, agonizing death. I sat down to read the books my friend Kendra lent me. I figured what the hell, this thing doesn't cost any money and it's literally all I've got left. I also really liked the fact there was nothing weird, crazy, or extreme about this diet. It wasn't even really a diet. I started that day. It was a complete mental shift for me, born of desperation and how utterly sick I was of feeling like an old woman at age 35.

I lost nothing for 4 weeks, and in fact I felt a little sicker because I was going into withdrawals from not eating refined sugar any more. (Fruit, honey, organic maple syrup, are all on plan with Trim Healthy Mama.) But I didn't give up because I had too much at stake, and also Kendra was such a huge cheerleader--encouraging me through texts and in person when we saw each other. Then July rolled around. I stepped on the scale every morning (got a new scale with an app for tracking!) and I couldn't believe it. The weight started FALLING off, like I was shrinking before my own eyes! This had never happened before, in the 8 1/2 years since I gained that first 50 lbs. Best of all, I wasn't depriving myself of any food whatever. I didn't have to go hungry! All the things I couldn't have were things I shouldn't eat anyway--refined oils, flours, and sugars. I think God knew what He was doing when He gave us Earth-food to eat. I felt so much better. When the first 25 lbs melted off my body, I knew this was my new life, my hope, and the way I wanted to live. Kendra still encourages me and cheers me on, and so does TJ and the rest of my family. But I'm self motivated now. I've lost 36 pounds so far and I'm not stopping. I feel younger, lighter, definitely much happier, and my feet and my back don't hurt any more! My foot pain disappearing was the biggest difference of all, at first. Go pick up a 25 lb sack of flour or something and carry it around for a while, that's what I carried with me 24/7! No wonder everything hurt. 

I recommend the Trim Healthy Mama way to everyone, because it takes you back to nature and eating the way God designed human bodies to eat thousands of years ago when He created us. I recommend it because it's FREE, and works on any budget at all. You don't have to buy anything expensive or weird or organic (even though organic is recommended). You can even lose weight without any exercise whatever, although exercise is excellent for your mental health and for building muscle, and helps the weight loss along. So you can do it even if you are wheelchair bound or had surgery or something. It doesn't cut out any food groups and requires no special shakes or programs. Look it up on the internet, there's free information about it everywhere. I especially enjoy the podcast, the two sisters who came up with and promote this way of eating are really great people and so fun to listen to!

Today, August 30th, exactly 3 months after beginning my new way of life and thinking, I conquered one of the most difficult hikes our area is known for: the Manitou Incline. Almost 3,000 steps straight up the mountain, and then a steep 3 mile hike back down again. Three months ago this would have been impossible, I wouldn't even have considered it. But today, I made the hike up in less than two hours, and then this evening I went to my karate class and pumped out a whole lot of kicks and pushups. I'm sore, but I'm not dead. I feel alive, I feel like my young self again. It's been amazing for my mental health too! I'm much more patient with my kids, and I feel the rest of my life becoming more organized and falling into place. I am looking forward to seeing what the next chapter of life holds and excited to see where the journey leads me! And Kendra, I'm so thankful for you. You saved my life.

To My Mother

I wanted you to love me, but you never said you did

I longed for you to touch me, but your hands brought pain instead

I would run into  your arms, but they were always closed

I hoped you would be there for me, but you never showed.

I would tell you all my secrets, but you never cared

Except to cause me heartache, so I learned to never share.

I kept hoping you would realize how much you meant to me

But you stubbornly refused to listen, look or see.

I have many happy memories, but they are tinged with sad

And ruined by the pain of wanting to be glad.

I always looked and waited to see the good in you

The hope is fading with the years, which are becoming few.

Time is passing quickly, and I no longer wait

I live my life without you, which seems to be my fate.

Every time I try to speak to you, you shut me out again

I’m learning that I’ll be okay without you as my friend.

Someday when you are gone, I know that I’ll be sad

But I won’t know how to feel the loss of what I never had.

The pain you cause is healing, but always leaves a scar,

I miss what could have been, and grieve for what you are.

Your daughter,

Jenna 

The Power of the Tongue

 I was in the local Sam's Club parking lot yesterday, loading my usual haul of bakery supplies and groceries into the trunk of my car, when I heard someone screaming. I jerked my gaze behind me in the direction of the sound, and spotted a mother occupied with the same duties as I--chivying at least four children and assorted goods into her Jeep. The mom was screaming at her oldest, who looked to be around 13 years old, and he was yelling back at her. She met my gaze and I could see her embarrassment and frustration even across the two wide aisles of cars.  She was much too far away for me to say anything, and I drove home in deep thought.  

I have noticed a trend among parents, as my children grow older and I also have to handle their frustrating and bizarre behavior frequently--everything from driving their cars in the toilet to tying their karate belts to their curtain rods and playing Tarzan. The trend I am talking about is complaining about our children as a form of bonding among us parents.  I catch myself doing it occasionally, and it revolts my soul. Recently I had a parent call their bright, sweet child terribly profane names in the course of a normal conversation with me, as if that was a regular and normal thing to do, while their child was listening. I didn't know what to say, I was so shocked. This person also repeated the same slur to me, at a different time and a different day, which tells me it was a regular thing and not a one time occasion. I wasn't quick enough to shut them down, but I didn't enter into their sentiment or agree with them.  Not too long ago my husband pointed out an unkind thing I said about one of my children, and I was jolted with another painful shock. Negativity is so contagious!!!!

Speaking Life into others is the duty of every decent human being, and especially of every Christian. And who is more important to speak Life into than our very own children and spouses, the people whom we see the most often and who also have the most numerous opportunities to annoy us?  There are things people have said to me in passing as a child that have stuck with me for the rest of my life, both negative and positive. I am doing my best to make it a habit to tell my kids every day that they are wonderful and beautiful and special, and that I love them. It is natural to love your children, but I also want to like them. I want to raise likable, fun humans who integrate smoothly into society and are productive and successful. 

Imagine the most important person in the world to you, the one that you look up to and admire above all else and unconsciously want to emulate. Imagine overhearing that person refer to you by a vile name in conversation with their friend. How would that make you feel? You might be used to it, desensitized by a lifetime of such abuse. (Yes, I will call it abuse.) But it slowly eats away at your soul, until finally you either believe you are the thing that they say, or you distance yourself from your abuser and find positive affirmation elsewhere.

This week we went to the bank with our girls and helped them get their first checking accounts. They were so excited to deposit the money they saved, and I was so proud of them. I am not a perfect parent by any means, but it would not occur to me to call my daughters the name my friend called their child, because I do not ever think of my girls as that nasty thing. On their occasional bouts of frustrating behavior, I take deep breaths and remind myself that they are little, immature humans who look to me as the mature human in the situation as a role model and example of responses to frustrating behavior. And with God's help I will never, ever speak of my children negatively again to another person for as long as I live. 

In conclusion, to the mom in the parking lot: I hope you find your peace and I hope someone in your life gives you a break, so that you can relax, recharge, and reconsider the way you communicate with your children. Best of luck to all you parents out there! Don't forget that "little pitchers have big ears."

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue: those who love it will eat the fruit and bear the consequences of their words." Proverbs 18:21

Free To Be Wild

 "Oh what well-behaved children you have!"  The older couple beamed as they complimented my parents. My seven siblings and I smiled and sat at the extended restaurant table, quiet as mice and cleaning our plates.  Our parents swelled with pride, which spilled over onto our heads and increased when the nice older couple paid for our dinner (not a small bill).  We continued our meal in obedient silence and went on our merry way, secure in the knowledge that the public viewed us as "well-behaved children."

What the world did not see, behind the scenes, was the pain and relationship dissolving trauma that caused all of those young children to sit so still and behave so well.  Nowadays it worries me when I see young children who seem lifeless with no desire to wiggle, run, or jump.  And it's not necessarily because the parents are abusing them.  My kids' generation is growing up attached to screens and devices with the tenacity of a growth or external organ, and all in the name of parents' pursuit to get their offspring to sit still. Even though we didn't have electronic devices back then, correct and proper behavior was expected of us at all times, and we knew the consequences of cutting loose or causing the old folks any embarrassment.  

I had lots of expectations and ideas about children's behavior before I had kids.  Then in 2015 I was blessed with a wonderful, talented, beautiful daughter, with the energy of ten thousand suns.  One year after that I was immeasurably blessed with a second daughter, brimming with the force of the universe.  My son is not yet big enough to tear the house apart, but I expect he will be soon enough.  My children are happy, friendly, talented, imaginative, and resourceful.  They just are that way naturally--I did not train them to be.  And they are also that way because I make sure they are free to be wild.  

Here is a litany of comments I have received from friends, relatives, and the public.

"You don't spank your kids enough!"

"Why don't they sit still?"

"What is wrong with your children?"

"Gotta beat them kids!"

But far more often, this is what I get:

"Wow your children are so smart!"

"Your kids are so nice and friendly."

"Your daughter asks the best questions in class."

"Your girls have the fire and drive that will make them succeed in life!"

"Your kids are so positive."

"How do your kids make friends so easily?"

These comments are music to the ears of a mom who sometimes is beside herself to redirect the boundless energy of her progeny into productive channels.  Here is an excellent article (among many) explaining practically why young children shouldn't sit still.  But the temptation still exists to court the approval of the grandparents and great-grandparents and random old people in Costco that I don't even know.  The world is changing and my generation is jumping on board the train of understanding children's psyche and the fact that their development is more important than our pride.  I have two basic rules: Don't break things, don't hurt each other.  While other moms at the parks are freaking out seeing my girls scaling cliffs and climbing trees, I am enjoying watching them attain new heights and learn new skills. While the baby boomer in the aisle of Walmart scowls in disapproval, I am enjoying watching my 5 year old twirl her costume dress in circles and sing "I Love You, You Love Me,  We're a Happy Family!"  

When they are grumpy and tired or throw a fit in public (it doesn't happen very often), I do my best to swallow my pride and acknowledge that my children are young humans who haven't learned to bottle up their feelings yet or express them wholly with words, and although the behavior might be unacceptable it's a learning and growing experience for all of us.  Me getting mad will only make the situation worse and model behavior I don't wish them to exhibit.  Children learn by watching, you know.

Let's stop labeling normal childish behavior as naughty, or "bad", or give it a label like ADHD. (Let me repeat, normal behavior. Some kids really do have ADHD.) Let's stop listening to the naysayers who try to  tear down your kids or complain about theirs.

Good And Evil

 "You are worthless."

"You were born a sinner."

"Nothing good you do really matters."

"Being a good person is meaningless."

"Just because you are good doesn't mean God will accept you."

"Your good deeds are like filthy rags."

"No matter what you do, you can't help sinning."

This is the message that was ingrained into my being and my psyche since I was a very little girl by my conservative Christian parents and friends and relatives and the church.  You are bad. You are rotten.  You are nothing, but guess what?  This is wonderful news because there's this person named Jesus who is everything!  You should be glad you are worthless, because Jesus can magically transfer his righteousness to you if you say the right magic words.  Don't forget, you are still a nasty rotten sinner--the magic words don't change that.  But God believes the lie that you are righteous because he sees you through the wonderful glasses made of Jesus' righteousness. This magical power means that you can be guilty of any crime--no matter how gross and heinous--because salvation is through faith alone. Guess what, you are considered by God to be His beloved son or daughter, not because you are made in His image or are actually his son, but because he sees His son Jesus and manages to forget you exist or his wrath would descend upon your sinful head.

I wonder if these eager evangelists and preachers and strict parents realize what it does to a child's psyche to be taught this horrendous nonsense.  I wonder if any of them stop to consider why young people are leaving the Christian church in droves, committing suicide, or turning to drugs and prostitution. 

I remember reading the parable of the sheep and the goats in the Bible and being very confused by the vivid imagery. I didn't like the story.  It didn't fit in with anything Paul the Apostle said about salvation through faith alone. It didn't even mention faith at all. Here is the whole passage, in the New King James Version.

31“When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the [c]holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory.32All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats.  33And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left.  34Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:  35for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in;  36I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’

37“Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink?  38When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You?  39Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’  40And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’

41“Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels:  42for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink;  43I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

44“Then they also will answer [d]Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’  45Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’  46And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” Matthew 25

Here is a crazy, preposterous, heretical thought. What if Jesus actually meant exactly what He said?  Notice that first, the "righteous sheep" didn't even know they were doing righteous deeds that would save them.  They simply did the right thing, without thinking of themselves at all.  This kills the notion that self focus, or self-righteous works, will save you or makes you a good person.  It does say that doing the right thing without selfish motives 100% guarantees God's notice and has everything to do with your eternal fate.  Secondly, notice that it didn't matter what the "goats" believed or claimed to believe.  They did not DO the right thing in their mortal lives on earth, and that counted 100% against them at the pearly gates.

From beginning to end, from Adam to Cain and Abel, from the kings of Israel to the prophets, and on throughout the New Testament, the Bible--a book composed over thousands of years by hundreds of different men and women--consistently keeps a single minded theme: good vs. evil. Not faith vs non-faith.  Not good believing people, but good doing people.  Adam disobeyed God.  He was disobedient for himself.  Abraham obeyed God.  He was obedient for himself.  Jesus obeyed God.  He was obedient for himself and no other.  And what does God require of us? 

Micah 6:8   He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God?

And as for a New Testament verse, what about 1 Corinthians 13: "And now abides faith, hope, and love: but the greatest of these is love."  When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment in the whole Bible was, he responded: "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself." 

I think God is consistent.  I don't think he is wishy washy or changes his mind all the time.  I don't think he cares about your theology, or even the correct theology.   I am pretty sure that he is a good judge of character. The man who dived back into the flooding berth of his sinking ship and saved 19 of his fellow men, losing his own life in the process; the woman who gives of herself selflessly every single day to save children from human trafficking; the child who shielded his little sister from the falling buildings in the San Francisco earthquake and was mortally injured--I don't think that on judgment day God asked if they knew the Catechism by heart or "believed in Jesus."

The man who proclaims the name of Christ while secretly assaulting every little boy he can lay his hands on; the woman who prays religiously and goes on mission trips but treats her husband with contempt and beats and abuses her children; the child who maliciously kidnapped and murdered a baby--I don't think God cares what they claim to believe either.  They are going straight to the great incinerator on Judgment Day.

Here's a suggestion.  Maybe we should tell our children:

"You are loved."

"You are valued."

"You were born perfect."

"You are a good person."

"You are amazing."

"You will do great things and change the world."

"Love is more important than anything else."

"Jesus loves the whole world--not just you, not America, not the nation of Israel specially--the whole entire world, and you should too."

"You are made in God's image and are his son and daughter."

Perhaps, just perhaps, then the gospel would give the world hope instead of sinking into despair. Maybe then the gospel would actually be good news that could be shared without embarrassment or regret.