Fly, Little Birdie, Fly!

Our parents--and their generation--grew up in the 70's and 80's, when evil rock and roll music was king and the hippies of the sixties had convinced the majority of teenagers that drugs and sex was awesome stuff, and the Cold War was in full swing with a possibility of nuclear annihilation at any moment.  Our parents got married and had kids, took one look at the world in which they had to raise their children, snatched their precious babies to their hearts and figuratively fled into the wilderness like the Lykov family.

I have every sympathy for them.  I gaze into my sweet, tiny, helpless baby daughter's innocent face, kiss her button nose and soak in every moment of her baby coos, smiles, and laughs, think of the rapists and murderers and molesters out there and am filled with the desire to press her to my heart and never ever let go.  (Also am filled with the desire to go on a criminal killing rampage like the Punisher!)

But children are like fresh watermelon seeds.  The harder you squeeze them, the farther they'll fly from you!

Yesterday I had great fun doing a bit of artwork.  It's been a while since I've done any drawing, but I created a series of cartoons illustrating what it feels like to be isolated because of your parents' fears.  (Not the one above--I pulled that off the internet and am not sure who to credit it to.)  I grew up on a little hobby farm out in the boondocks.  Mom had a fascination with the pioneers who settled this country and the hardships they faced, and admired the courage and fortitude with which they conquered the wilderness with few tools and little help except their own resourcefulness.  She decided that her children would be survivors, and know how to do a little of just about everything.  Ergo, she wouldn't allow a dishwasher, stand mixer, microwave, or other labor saving devices in our house.  How were we ever going to know how to wash the dishes if we had a dishwasher in the kitchen?

By Jenna Greer

Sounds great, right?  Problem: a huge part of my parents' child-raising philosophy was the idea that isolation was the solution, and evil must be avoided at all costs.  If you protect your innocent child from everything bad, keeping them securely in a titanium alloy bubble and teaching them only the right way, they will know automatically what is wrong and be sweet and godly forever.  Avoiding evil in our case meant avoiding anything our parents didn't care for or that didn't exactly fit their opinion of godliness.  This included jewelry of any kind (including wedding rings), pants on girls, movies, TV, books that had any traces of violence (including history books), swimming (made your clothes stick to you so wasn't modest), music with a beat, sex (the subject and anything remotely pertaining thereto was strictly verboten), and friends (who might influence you wrongly).  Even the few friends we had were closely and immediately supervised at all times.

By Jenna Greer

The human species is sentient.  We can feel and think to an extent that animals cannot, and our hearts are inclined to sin and self destruction.  Capturing hearts is what's needed, and oddly enough in order to capture a child's heart, in my experience so far that means to let it go!  (I am speaking from my experience of being a child.  My own children are still so young that I can't claim experience yet of really raising a child.😉)  Attributing evil to things that are amoral is pointing fingers in the wrong direction.  And avoidance of a question is never healthy!  Notice how the parents in the illustration above aren't really involved in the child's life.  They stay outside the bubble, never entering her world and feeling what she feels.  They are the authority in her life, and she'd better listen to them or else!  They are asking for complete, blind trust in them and that she submit to what they think is best no matter what.  This is scary--this is how abuse happens and how tyrants are born.  The only person you must give complete trust and loyalty to is Jesus Christ Himself!

People are flawed, people are sinners.  In our relationships there must be give and take at all times.  I want to be humble and listen to my children and their thoughts and feelings, and be willing to repent and apologize to them if necessary.  I am practicing now with my relationship with my husband.  I don't believe in submitting to my husband in the sense that I'm his robot who does whatever he says without thinking.  (I will be writing a post about that soon!)  And I don't want my children to submit to me like that either.  I am, of course, talking about when they grow up a bit.  If I tell my toddler not to run out in the street, she'd better obey without question!  But she is welcome at all times to ask questions, and I will be very happy to explain to her why she shouldn't cross the street, and when it is safe to do so!

By Jenna Greer

   This is a scary illustration.  The parents are still on the outside of their daughter's bubble, but she has finally realized, like Rapunzel in Tangled, that there is a world outside her bubble that her parents are denying her, and she has gone from pleading with them to resentful and angry.  Her parents see the scary demons lurking about waiting to pounce upon their precious daughter, and are terrified to let her go.  Good things like a job, boyfriend, and adult responsibilities are in the parents' minds simply allowing the demons access to their daughter.  The future is scary and dark to all three individuals--but the daughter is at the breaking point.  "When will my life begin?" she is thinking.  And she has turned all her pent up rage and anger on the ones she's perceived as imprisoning her.  Again, notice the complete lack of communication between all three individuals in this illustration.

By Jenna Greer

This final step is inevitable in about 99%  of the cases.  (I am just throwing out a number--I don't have actual statistics).  I have seen this happen over and over and over again.  It didn't happen to me for two reasons.  First, because I had become a Christian and repented of my rage and hatred, and knew it was wrong.  Secondly, because by the time I reached the breaking point, my parents had begun to wise up and realize that in order to keep me, they had to let me go.  I'm so thankful they did!  But I have seen the damage that apron-strings do.  The heartbreaking, irreparable damage.  I have seen the wounds left by tight apron-strings--wounds on both parties.  Arrows are meant to fly, not rust in the quiver forever.  Birds will grow atrophied and die if they can't leave the nest.

By Jenna Greer

 This second series of illustrations is what my husband and I hope to do for our children.  We know that we will not be around to protect our babies 100% of the time, and we don't want to have to protect them 100% of the time.

By Jenna Greer

Notice how her parents are her coaches and cheerleaders, guiding her but letting her handle life's demons herself--not doing it for her.  A good martial arts teacher knows his students will never learn to defend themselves if he always does it for them, even if he feels he could do it better.  It is degrading and humiliating for a young person if their parents have to continually fight their battles for them.  There is a tremendous sense of self worth and feeling of accomplishment when a child successfully deals with a difficulty all by himself!

If they are not fully independent as adults, not only will they not be able to care for themselves, but they won't be able to care for others and they will be a burden to society.  This would be incredibly tragic!  Many children lose their parents.  We have no guarantee that we will live to see tomorrow.   I hope and pray that I will always be around for them, to be their support team and cheer them on.  I want them to know they can always talk with me about anything and that I'll love them no matter what.  But I have no guarantee that will happen, and so I pray and research and bounce ideas off my husband all the time.

Our daughters will be strong, beautiful, independent young ladies who will have the wisdom and protection of knowing their parents trust and believe in them, and will always be there for them (God helping us!)  I am so proud of my girls.  Every step of the way so far has been a pure delight!  I love teaching them stuff so much.

By Jenna Greer

The sooner they learn responsibility, the better.  By the time my Sweet-pea and little Sunshine are legally adults at age 18, if they aren't fully capable of living on their own, with a car and a job and a nice savings account, I will have failed as a mother (quote Beverly Goldberg).

By Jenna Greer

With great freedom comes great responsibility.  The family is the core of society.  This is why it is so important for our children to be independent!  If they are raised in a strong, Godly family with a Biblical foundation....if they are not afraid of the truth no matter how uncomfortable it might be....if their parents have modeled a healthy, loving marriage relationship....if they are allowed to make their own mistakes and their own choices and dream big dreams....then they will have absolutely no reason to rebel.  There will be nothing to rebel against!  My daughters (and sons someday) have my full blessing to go out into the world, make their own decisions, and hopefully be inspired to begin families of their own.  Heck, they will think getting married and raising kids is the funnest, most glorious occupation on earth! 😉  And yes, we will scar them for life with our PDA, my handsome husband and me.  They will always know that their parents love each other so much that we literally won't need them--we have each other.  We won't need them, but we will want them, oh so much.  Our babies will forever be welcome in our home.  But fly, little birdies.  We love you and are proud of your beautiful wings!