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| T.J. with my four youngest sisters Leah, Andrea, Miriam, Rebekah |
It was the month of May in the year 2006. There was
a family in our homeschool group who we had seen every couple of months for
years, but I never paid much attention to them.
They had all boys for one thing, and I had never seen them apart from the
monthly group meetings, and my younger siblings played with their kids more
than I did. This family decided to visit
our church meeting one warm spring day.
Their older son, Ben, gave my Dad a neck massage, and their little boy
Mikki unceremoniously pulled my hair. I
remember this particularly surprising event because our church was strictly hands-off, and the only signs of affection
permitted were side hugs between humans of the same gender. The parents of this family were outgoing and
funny and unique, and Dad invited them to visit us sometime, never thinking
they actually would! Sure enough, a
couple of weeks later they showed up at our remote little family farm, bag and
baggage in hand, and announced their intention to stay the weekend.
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| My brother Nathan was very strong at 14! |
This was only the beginning of new
and terrible trials for me. Next morning
my parents solemnly informed me that I was being way too “friendly” with the boys, and to please be more shamefaced.
(Yes, they used that word!)
It proved impossible. For the first time in my nineteen years, I
was associating with young men who didn’t avoid my gaze and turn away whenever
I came near them. For the first time in
my life, I was treated by persons of the opposite sex as someone who mattered,
who was to be teased and talked to, and who--horror of horrors!--was actually fun to hang out with! I remember that Saturday morning so vividly,
as if it were yesterday. 20 year old Ben
played ping-pong with my brother, Dad visited with Mr. Greer, Mom got along
swimmingly with Mrs. Greer, and my little sisters and Mikki ran around like wild
things. 17 year old TJ talked about
music and showed me his favorite songs, and taught me and my sisters some
chords on the guitar. At one point my
eyes met his, and the look he gave me!
His blue green eyes smiled into mine, full of mischief and camaraderie
and genuine liking. My insides
instantly dissolved in nausea, and I had to make a dash for the restroom. Curse
my nervous stomach! I thought
bitterly. Another time he came looking
for me for some reason--no young man had ever looked for me before--and called my name. This finished me off--I knew I was hopelessly
in love.
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| The infamous dishwashing scene! |
That evening, my family and the Greers decided to take a
walk down to a local cherry orchard because it was cherry season, and they took
off laughing and talking down the dirt
country road. I had to stay behind and
finish the supper dishes, and to my great surprise and secret delight TJ stayed
behind too. My brother and one of my
sisters stayed also--either to supervise us, or because they wanted to hang out
with TJ, I’m not sure which. He hovered
over me as I washed the dishes by hand in our kitchen sink, commenting on the
process all the while. I was vexed and
amused to the last degree, and didn’t know what on earth to make of a guy who
was actually interested in washing
dishes! This was my forte, I thought,
and I was annoyed by this upstart who thought he knew how to do it better than
me! He meticulously explained in detail
how it was much more sanitary to use running water rather than a tub of soapy
water in the sink, and how I must rinse all
the soap off. Finally he seized a dish
towel and commenced drying dishes, demonstrating the proper form and technique
of this procedure as well. My mind was a
swirl of conflicting emotions!
Amusement, annoyance, gratitude mixed with an overwhelming attraction to
this tall, handsome, blonde young man with the flashing smile and laughing
green eyes who treated me as a person and a friend!
Dishes properly washed, dried, and put away, we set out to
catch up to the others on their walk. It
was that magical kind of California evening, when the sun had set and a
glorious palette of colors flooded the sky with rose and gold and orange and
purple. It was warm but not too hot, and
a light breeze was blowing. It was
intoxicating walking with TJ down our quiet country roads! Even my little brother and sister tagging
along didn’t spoil the mood. Nathan and
TJ chased each other around, wrestling and sparring with sticks for
swords. Heidi and I laughed and egged
them on. Eventually we caught up to the
others, and a giant cherry seed fight ensued. We ran and laughed through the
orchard, throwing cherries and spitting cherry seeds at each other. It was wonderful to be carefree, forget the
rules, and just have fun like a kid. Of
course the next morning I knew we’d all be in trouble, but what the heck did it
matter in the moment!
Next morning--Sunday--the fun and hilarity continued. I made pancakes and eggs for breakfast, and
the Greer boys were intensely interested in the whole proceeding. Ben flipped pancakes, while TJ taught me the
proper way to make light and fluffy scrambled eggs. Again, I was confounded by the fact that two
young men were actually interested in
cooking, liked hanging out in the kitchen, and knew what they were talking
about! After breakfast they even helped
clear the table and wash dishes. No
young man in my life had ever done
that before. I was astounded, and
hopelessly in love. My little sisters
thought the guys were the best thing since sliced bread. Ages 9, 7, 5, and 3, they followed Ben and TJ
around like faithful puppies, climbing into their laps and begging for
piggyback rides. And the guys genuinely
liked spending time with my little sisters!
It was yet another thing that confounded me and cemented the crush I had
on TJ. He played Scrabble and dominoes
with them, talked with them kindly and respectfully, and didn’t dismiss them as
insignificant little kids.
I was sad to see them go, and we got some group pictures
before they left that day.
I was destined to see quite a lot of the Greers over the
next several years, as they drove up from San Diego to Springville,
Bakersfield, and the Fresno frequently.
Every time I saw them, whether it was at church, a wedding, concert, or
staying the night with my family, it was consistently the same. I would have such a good time visiting and
hanging out with the boys, debating everything under the sun, playing games,
and having the time of my life. And
every time I saw them, I got into trouble with somebody or other for “flirting
with the boys.” Mr. and Mrs. Greer never
seemed to care, and in fact encouraged our friendship. It got to the point where my Dad was
pressured into telling the Greers that they could no longer stay at our house,
because their boys were “inappropriate” (read polite, friendly, respectful)
with his girls. I didn’t like this
awkward rule at all, but we still got to see them at occasional social functions.
Meanwhile my crush on TJ became intolerable. It was especially difficult for me because I
believed that God had told me in a dream that I was to marry someone else, and
I also believed that sexual attraction to someone before marriage was a
sin. I wept and pleaded God to take away
these horrible sinful feelings that caused me such distress, but He
didn’t. Every time I saw TJ, I tried to
avoid him. That didn’t work out too
well, especially since unbeknownst to me he liked me too!
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| In the wood shop! |
I will never forget January of 2007. The Greers came to visit us (this was before
Dad’s injunction not to stay overnight), and we had a grand old time as
usual. I even have some videos of TJ
blasting music on our stereo while Ben swung my sisters in circles in the
living room. We laughed and joked and
teased each other, and TJ and I had an argument about music. Little did we know that life would never be
the same again. The evening after they
left, my brother Nathan came down with flu-like symptoms. Next day we all got the flu; but Nathan never
recovered. About two weeks after that
visit, he was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor which claimed his life
on May 15, 2007.
Our whole family was devastated by the loss. During the short three months of Nathan’s
illness, my parents were completely preoccupied by the most harrowing thing
that can ever happen to a parent, the impending loss of a child. I couldn’t lean on them for support in my own
suffering, and the Greer family stepped in to fill the gap. They offered their home for us to stay while
Nathan went through treatments in San Diego, and came to visit us in the
hospital in LA. They were my solace and
comfort and emotional release during that traumatic time. I could laugh and joke and talk with them,
and Mrs. Greer especially was a tower of strength to me since my own mother was
not available, and I talked on the phone with her every single day. I could also indulge in my secret vice of
crushing on TJ, because everyone else was too preoccupied with my family’s trials
to take much notice--except for the fact that this was the time when phones
were large bulky gadgets attached to the wall with a cord, and every month
Daddy would receive a phone bill with all the numbers called and long distance
charges. He used to highlight with a
marker all the times the Greers’ numbers showed up on the bill (they all had
cell phones, and I knew all their numbers by heart--especially TJ’s), and give
me a good tongue lashing. I would feel terribly
guilty, but not guilty enough to stop calling.
Often when I was talking to Amy Greer, she would hand the phone to TJ,
and we would talk and giggle about nothing at all. I remember once he sang me a song over the
phone, “It Won’t Be Long.” We even wrote
two songs together!
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| At the hospital with Nathan |
The night my brother passed away, the Greers drove six hours
up from San Diego, spent an hour or two praying and crying with our family, and
then drove home again that same night so we wouldn’t have the trouble of
hosting them. I remember hoping against
hope that TJ might possibly give me a hug.
He didn’t though, and I tease him about it to this day! That Saturday we held a memorial service
for Nathan which over 300 people attended, including the Greers. My cousin Christina (who guessed my secret)
took several pictures of me and TJ talking and laughing together. Those photos bring back a flood of memories
now!
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| My cousin Christina took this picture! |
The Greers visited us twice after the funeral, and then my
Dad put a stop to it, trying to help me with my crush on them. I had thought it through over and over, and
finally called TJ on the phone to tell him I was not interested in him.
“Okay,” he said coolly. He and
Ben would call Daddy occasionally just to chat, and try to cheer him up after
the loss of his son. I answered the
phone most of the time, and would snatch a minute or two of conversation before
giving the phone to Daddy.
Life went on. TJ
would fade into the background, and then the feelings would resurface with a
vengeance whenever we saw the Greers at weddings or at a mutual friend’s house. It was my cross, my “thorn in the flesh,” my
weakness to deal with. I was weighed
down by a constant sense of guilt, and wondered why God let me suffer like
this.
In August of 2008, one of my aunts passed away suddenly and
unexpectedly in her sleep. The Greers
came to the funeral, which I thought was odd because they didn’t know her at
all. TJ was dressed up in black slacks,
white shirt, coat, and tie, debonair and handsome as ever, and just as smooth and
charming. After the memorial service we
ate and hung out in the dining/conference area of the funeral home, and I sat
with the Greers. TJ and I had a long and
spirited conversation. I remember parts
of it because it was significant in the light of later developments. We got to talking about family, and finances,
and other personal stuff, and I was surprised at myself because normally I
wouldn’t be sharing personal information with a young man like that (He was 19 and I was 20 at the time). But TJ
is ridiculously easy to talk to. The part I remember was this: he looked at me in all seriousness and asked,
“Why do you have your own money?”
I was surprised--I thought everyone had their own
money. “Because I don’t like asking my
parents to buy stuff for me, and I want to handle my own money,” I answered.
He shrugged. “I will
never need my own money,” he said, “my Dad always buys everything for me!” That’s
gonna have to change if you ever want to get married, I thought.
The week after the funeral, the Greers came up to our house
for an extremely random visit. I was
surprised, first of all because Dad had made it clear he didn’t like his girls
hanging out with the boys, and secondly because we had just seen them and I
thought it was weird they would come again so soon. During our visit, Mrs. Greer asked me to play
ping-pong with her. I thought that was
very strange too, especially because everyone else stayed in the house. The visit was odd, but then
the Greers are odd, so I didn’t think anything more about it and they left
without spending the night.
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| At my aunt Angela's funeral |
Next morning at 5 a.m. my Dad woke me up in great
agitation. Obviously he hadn’t slept all
night. “I just have to tell you,” he
said. “T.J. asked to marry you
yesterday!”
“Oh no!” was my reaction. I was stunned. The guy really couldn’t take a hint, I
thought. I told him a year ago I wasn’t
interested, and then when we talked at my aunt’s funeral I thought it was clear
that we had very different ideas about life and family. Then the reality of parent-controlled
betrothal slammed into me and knocked me over, in one fell swoop completely obliterating
a lifetime of teaching and indoctrination--I knew in that moment I could never consent to an arranged marriage
with anyone!
I told Daddy the answer was a definite No. He was relieved--my Dad has never been very
fond of intense and emotional decisions and situations. I felt pleased by my first proposal; sad that
I felt I had to say No; and completely undone by my new understanding of
“betrothal” or arranged marriage. I knew
in my heart that I could never consent to marry a man I didn’t know and hadn’t
been good friends with--even better friends than TJ and I were allowed to
be--and that as much as I loved and trusted my father, my fate was in my own
hands and the decision of marriage was mine and no one else’s. And even though I knew it was exactly
according to the procedure I had been taught by which a proper young man asks
for a girl’s hand in marriage, my feelings were unexpectedly hurt that everyone
was talking about such an important thing in my life behind my back, and they
had gotten me out of the room on purpose to do so! I also knew that if T.J. had actually asked
me himself, I would not have been
able to resist those haunting green eyes and that irresistible smile. I was angry, glad, hurt, and weirded out all
at the same time.
On T.J.’s part, I learned years later that he was stunned
and confused by my refusal. He had been
sure he had read me correctly, and thought I liked him. (You were so right, darling.) I was the first girl he’d ever asked, and it
had been an ordeal for him to go through the process of asking. He was also disappointed that I would say No
because “we argue too much.” What I had
actually said was that we “disagreed on too many important things.” Also, he hadn’t asked to “marry me” as I had
been told. What he had asked was
permission to get to know me better with the intent of possible marriage
someday (which I might have been more willing to consider, and was far less
intimidating). That’s what we got for
playing Telephone with such an important conversation!
Needless to say, this ordeal caused tension and a bit of bad
feeling between our families. We didn’t
see the Greers for a long time after that.
About six months later Amy Greer called me on the phone and we finally
talked about it. She thought my parents
had said no without even telling me about TJ’s request, and I was able to
correct her on that point. “I always
thought of you as my daughter-in-law!” she wailed in disappointment. I felt very badly, and at the same time it
felt good to be wanted so much as a daughter-in-law!
....Read Part 3 here....
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| Another picture Christina sneaked for me |
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| Playing with a friend's baby. I always knew T.J. would be a great dad! |
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| My little brother Nathan |
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| A stolen conversation with T.J. on the phone! |
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