Marriage is Hard?!!!

The week we started dating

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone has said, or I've read an article or book or seen a media post or heard a sermon about how difficult the marriage relationship is.  I'd be able to buy a vacation home in Hawaii if I did.  This morning we were treated to another lecture on how marriage is a sacrifice and how you shouldn't look to your spouse for fulfillment or happiness and especially not expect them to fulfill your needs.  I'm sitting here trying to type with my significant other's feet in my lap, because he wants me to be near him.  We've been together for four years, with our wedding anniversary coming up in January, and I'm scratching my head trying to think of a time, or a place, or a moment in our marriage that it was difficult.

I need to be needed, and by needing me my husband is fulfilling my needs!

Hard times?  Yes.  Difficult things happen in life?  Oh yes.  Do we disagree occasionally or maybe unintentionally hurt each other?  Yes indeed.  But is our marriage difficult?  Heck no!  It is so sweet to go through life with a person who always has your back, whose greatest interest is your pleasure.  I actually didn't expect that when I got married.  I assumed that submission and being a good wife meant fulfilling my husband's every whim and giving up everything I enjoyed in order to make him happy.  I never thought of it from the man's point of view, particularly my man's point of view.  He tells me constantly that his greatest pleasure is to make me happy, and his greatest joy is to sacrifice himself for his family--me and the girls.

I quickly had to learn a whole new perspective on marriage when I met TJ Greer.  The previous person I had been interested in was the typical patriarchal ideal of a man.  I made all the sacrifices in the relationship, and I expected to.  I was all about fulfilling his hopes and dreams, and giving up everything I enjoyed and molding myself into a different person to make him happy and keep his interest.  It was an incredibly toxic and stressful relationship, and I have learned that it's a tendency of women to be more willing to give of themselves in that way and let themselves be taken advantage of.  My husband is such a joy to serve and love and be with that I don't think of it as a sacrifice at all.  I love it!

Sometimes we both must make sacrifices to reach a common goal.  I am currently working nights, which we both hate.  I miss my babies, I miss snuggling with my husband and falling asleep with him on weeknights.  He misses me too, and it just sucks.  But it's a temporary thing that we decided together is necessary for the present.  He's made all kinds of sacrifices to provide for us.  He's worked overnight, he's worked back to back 14 hour shifts, he's gotten up at 3 a.m. for jobs, he's spent all his free time remodeling our home into a beautiful and comfortable place to live.  But it's not our marriage that's difficult--it's outside circumstances that are hard.

We've gone through a lot in four years together.  We've gone through four moves, including to another state.  We've had two children, which included the stress of pregnancy complications and an extended hospital stay. We've both worked stressful jobs with conflicting schedules.  But our marriage has never been the difficult part of life.  Our marriage is our happy place, where we go to unwind, where all is rest and peace and love.  When my husband wraps me in his strong arms and rests his chin on top of my head all worry, stress, and any other bad feelings just drain away and my soul floods with peace.  I close my eyes, and all is right with the world and everything in my life is beautiful.  Even when we have a tiff or disagreement, the passionate conversation that ensues only brings us closer together and we experience the pleasure and intimacy of resolved conflict.

No, to quote Marshall in that stupid show How I met Your Mother, "Marriage isn't hard when you're with the right person."  When your spouse is an actual partner, someone who is working with you towards  common goals, someone whose greatest happiness in life is to make your marriage good, it will be good.  Forever.

Engaged!  November 2014